Pwnage

Thanks to evolution and certain unexplainable biological circumstances, I have a huge cranium not ala Mojo Jojo despite some people being clearly biased towards that theory. I personally prefer Atom Ant. Thanks to this, absolute mental inactivity is my bane. With my uncivilized and unearthly living habits, and severe lack of appropriate stimulus (read coding, reading proper books and the like), I have been extremely testy(pun not intended). None of this though being as detrimental to my mental well-being as my increased social activity. Somewhere between the two hemispheres of my cerebrum, I'm probably wired to be unable to mix mental and social activity. And since I'm pretty clear where MY priorities lie, looks like society's got to do without me for quite some time now.
All the inertia and lethargy led to me looking for more and more activities that could be performed from within the confines of a chair in front of a desktop computer. My musical tastes have been decidedly flexible(not generous) and I've been listening to a lot of different stuff of late. But a quick browse through some of the stuff I've always had and never realised it's worth(all thanks to inactivity) was all I needed to stir me right back up.
Whoever thought Symphony and Heavy Metal shouldn't mix should hear Metallica & The San Francisco Symphony making heavenly music. Jimmy Page and his insane solos, Mustaine's raw aggression, G3 live, Joe Satriani, Mike Portnoy, John Petrucci, Mikael Akerfeldt, Angus Young, Brian Johnson and here I trail off because the list is long. Point being, there's something about their music that stirs your brain into action. Don't believe me? Try sitting still through Lars double bassing his ass off on One, Page riffing his fingers raw on Stairway to Heaven, Cliff Burton playing mind-boggling bass on For whom the bell tolls and Battery. You'll know what I mean.

The truth behind the color spectrum

Over the last few weeks, I've been busting my balls(figuratively and NOT literally) trying to decode the special status messages put up by people on Facebook. The status messages are all about some colors. Now in the said period of ball busting type, it did not strike me that all the status updates were by the females of the species. And soon, on making some inquiries, I came to know that it's a method for increasing Breast Cancer awareness.
Breast Cancer is a prime cause of death for women in their middle age, especially women in the Post Menopausal Stage.
Over the last few years, there have been concerted attempts at educating the general public about the effects and symptoms of the disease with the Pink Ribbon campaigns. Early identification and control being the primary methods of defeating this killer.
Which brings us to this latest ploy for Breast Cancer awareness. Women/girls putting up their bra colors as a sign of solidarity is a nice gesture. However, somewhere along the way, it got warped into games with many people finding it naughty/saucy/seductive/emancipating to put up their bra colors and playing with the imaginations of several unsuspecting, unaware people like me. Also several people find it amusing to create a fashion statement by announcing bold colors like fluorescent green and/or the make of the bra they're wearing, hell they'd come up with cup sizes next. But the sad part is amidst the fun and games, we lost the real significance of the bra colors. I don't begrudge anyone telling the world what color bra you're wearing. Sure, go ahead, we live in the times of women's lib and if you want to announce what color you wear, you have every right to do it. And yes, I don't mind in people indulging in a little harmless fun what with the guesswork and imaginative possibilities that us uneducated people come up with. It's supposed to be awareness in a lighter vein.
All I'm saying here is, amidst all the brouhaha about what color bra you're wearing and all the banter, let's not forget what it was all about - To increase awareness about Breast Cancer. At the end of the day, it's not your Bra color that matters, it's how safe the things inside are.
Go ahead, Educate yourself.

What happens when you put Mo-jo before privacy

After a day of arbit drunken-ness which involved copious amounts of draught beer (happy hours be blessed), some pizza (which did not agree with my digestive system and eventually lost the fight) and weird conversation, I remain with only one startling confession. The confession was startling to me, because, I as an Indian (which makes me and most of us sexually retarded) found it mind-boggling that someone could actually do that.

The act in question being dry-humping in the Bathroom of a popular restaurant. Several hours of further enjoyment, one puke outside The Zone (sorry Sajid Bhai) and a few rounds of CS later, a random digression in a random conversation led to me and a couple of friends debating over the various places where dry-humping/making out is possible.
And on their behalf, I decided to compile this list. The title says "What happens when you put Mo-jo before privacy", well, Shit happens. But there's various roads that lead to it.

Note: These places have either been tried and tested, and if not, shall soon be tried.
If you happen to have tried any of these, please be kind enough to let me know.

1. In bedrooms.(We start with the very simple and easy places)
   
2. In other people's bedrooms.
   
3. Rent a room in a hotel.
   
4. In a car parked in the middle of nowhere.
   (khachakach - Vocabulary consultant: Siddharth Lawande)
   
5. In a car parked in a multi-storey car park. (Courtesy: Chandan Gupta)
   
6. On ledges near lakes/the sea.
   
7. In front of restaurants. (Courtesy: Gaurav Sharda)
   
8. IN restaurants/cafes/bistros.
   
9. In bathrooms in public places.
   
10. In parks.(Behind the bushes)
    
11. In theatres.(I know why you booked the "kopcha seats")
    
12. On the bunks in trains.
    
13. In the restroom on a plane.
    
14. Against the stacks in libraries. (Courtesy: Mihir Gawand)
    
15. In empty classrooms in colleges/schools. (WTF)
    
16. In an office cubicle.
    
17. In a lounge.
    
18. In a club amidst some seriously intense dancing.
    
19. On the roads. (Get a room :-|)
    
20. In taxis.
    
21. In limousines with driver blocked from view. (NICE)
    
22. In lifts in your own building.
    
23. In lifts in someone else's building. (Do not try this in my building, our lifts have CCTV cameras and you could find yourself becoming a youtube sensation in no time)
    
24. Cyber cafes with personal booths (Courtesy: Aditya Bhat)
    
25. Anywhere in Goa. (Courtesy: Aditya Bhat)
    
26. Abso-fucking-lutely ANYWHERE in France. (Courtesy: Priyanka Kulkarni)
    
27. Bandra reclamation.(Courtesy: Faraz Virani)
    
28. Faraz also claims to have made out on the bonnets of cars and in garages. (yeah, sure.)
    

This apart, I hear of people actually DOING it behind the rocks at places like Marine Drive. Due to extreme lack of knowledge and experience in this particular field, my list is relatively short. I shall rely on you, the common people, to help me extend it. So fire away people, tell us all where YOU did it. Feedback, as always, shall be appreciated.

What the Luck?

Inquisitiveness has been the only constant factor amidst the multitude of changes I have undergone in the process of "growing-up" (a process still in it's infancy if I may add). Inquisitiveness coupled with a respectably large appetite for books or stuff to read in general and then further coupled with an inborn need to think things over irrespective of the theories/facts in support/opposition. This unholy threesome was further allowed to burgeon by my parents who never took offence though I (by my own admission) asked way too many questions to be allowed. What with education and science and some more reading, this eventually led to me being decidedly rational and at one point, rigid enough to be an Atheist.

The above brief yet succint explanation serves the purpose of portraying me as a practical, scientific human being. Thanks to me being of a previously-explained bent of mind, I have never set store by any superstitions and have not believed in luck. But then, when things are going your way, you hardly want to attribute it to anything but your own undeniable awesomeness. It's when things start going haywire or remarkedly tangential to your interests that you find cause for reflection.

Things(read shit) happened in the year gone past, one time too many to pass it off as exception. And as the frequency of occurrence of shit increased, it led to a strategic timeout on my side to re-think my position on luck and the various parameters/factors affecting and/or controlling it. As shown in the figure above, the transition in the shit-time continuum was linearly disastrous for my social, personal and professional life. Hence, after serious deliberation and rumination, I decided to call it a truce with luck.

What made me change my stance is a list of things. Most important being:-

• Luck is subjective. You cannot predict it's behavior.


• If you don't try to please luck, luck will give it to you (in the ass).


• You don't believe in luck. OK. Someone else does. He/She is going to get lucky.


• Most importantly, even if you don't believe in luck, it works.(Neils Bohr shall always be GOD)

So, in order to return peace and joy to my multi-faceted existence and also (very importantly) to the shit-time continuum, I have decided to be zen about the various shortcomings I had previously noticed in the life-luck theory. This, I sincerely hope, shall lead to a much better year in terms of the luck versus shit balance and result in me being awesomer than I already am.
Aaah, WTFness shall soon cease to exist.
Peace.

P.S : Lindsay Lohan despite her immense HQ tried to affect the shit-time continuum in a seriously lame movie which I remember watching years ago. But as LUCK would have it, she was no where near as awesome as I am and hence, her shit-time continuum resembles the graph of x=0.(go figure)

P.P.S: For people with a non-scientific background, when I say her graph resembles the graph of x=0, I mean the Y axis, which in turn means that her life is independent of time. Shit is now a constancy in it. (which has been proved AND is readily verifiable).

P.P.P.S: For the total retrogrades, the title is a take on the extremely popular acronym WTF which stands for What the Fuck?

The not-so-Shawshank Redemption

Genesis 1:3 - God said let there be light, and there was light.

Pity you're not god. Hell, pity even I'm not god. Nevertheless, the light did arrive, albeit not unlike the one at the end of the proverbial tunnel and with a lot of fuss mind. Mindfuck, the word thrown about without a care by many a carefree homo sapien sapien, had never been better equipped to portray the chaotic situation I found myself in, on more than one occasion over the last (more than a )few days.

Now, know how you've used words that had an instant connect with you(because you understand what it's supposed to mean/you are lame enough to randomly pick up cool buzz words so that you sound awesome) but never have an idea about the proper definition of the word? I took the liberty to look up the word Mindfuck and found quite a few definitions. Ambiguities, as always, are unavoidable, but one definition I found was so perfect, precise and simply kosher.


Mindfuck - A process of raping your intelligence; never accompanied by a pre-lubricant; doesn't leave you with an endorphine high and craving a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich or a cigarette. Rarely are dinner and drinks bought for you before or after the act; most often tried on an unsuspecting victim,penetration has less friction; the perpetrator will rarely call you the next day; A passive-agressive way to get their money shot, no happy ending for you.


Digression apart, NOW that my mindfuck is a thing of the past, I shall diligently return to Mindfucking the legions of unsuspecting masses. Don't mind if I do. But I'd be doing your Mind, since it's a MIND-fuck.

The first post-luminiscence act that I shall perform is to devise THE Ultimate Spam-victim's Revenge.

Justice shall be served, mind's shall be fucked, and awesomeness shall persist.

The f9er side of language.

The explorer in passing cerebration often finds that people do things which in no way benefits them or anyone else. The explorer feels pity and on some rather rare occasions, intense vexation at such, who are unfortunately, people. Feeling a deep sense of social service, the explorer explains one of the few things you should never do.

Ultimate peeve here being use of SMS linguo and/or logically absurd statements to make a point or have conversations. For all the people who do that, people, there's a reason it's called SMS linguo. Text messages have limited characters and in such cases, economics call for improvisation and that is where the abbreviations come into the picture.
But I crap you not, it is with utter disbelief that I read sentences like "i m f9", "4m whr?" , "ausum", and the one that absolutely takes the cake, "cum on yahoo/skype/gtalk/whatever chat-application turns you on.".
I shall need complete explanations with practicals if possible as to how any human being can achieve this unique feat. If YOU can do this, be sure respected mister, that the explorer shall be your disciple for as long as it takes to learn to perform a virtual cumshot.

Desist from using "da" in place of the, "f9" in place of fine and the likes. F-9, dear Bozo, is an aircraft carrier and does not even SOUND like fine. It sounds like fanine which rhymes with famine and does not make sense. Also, as a warning or a polite message to all my friends on any social networking sites, if your name is something like "ABC d@ imp@ti3nt 0n3", understand dear ABC, that I shall unfriend you with as little hesitation as possible.(Even if you're a part of my mafia on facebook.)

And finally, dear above 18's who use such language, if you ever wish to be taken seriously in life, improve your language and your ability to spew out intelligible stuff. No one takes a guy who doesn't know how to spell "for, come or the" seriously.

For lessons in english, go back to high school, or learn to use ALL the alphabets of the keyboard. Typing tutor's a good bet. The explorer is so fucking sure that reactions to this post will include comments which will employ the very language he so passionately hates.

Blog Legend for the masses.

The Explorer in various passing conversations and posts makes use of certain terms that the lay populace have difficulty understanding. Today's post is a legend for all of you readers who've often found yourselves confused when encountered with such concocted terms.

• A.Q - Awesomeness Quotient

Read this up.


• H.Q - Heat Quotient

This, my friends refers to the very shallow (yet very important) physical aspect of the human form. More often than not, this shall be used in conjunction with the female of the species as the Explorer is not a poof.


• I.Q - Indifference Quotient (and NOT Intelligence Quotient)

Most of my readers must have grown up knowing that I.Q stands for an Intelligence Quotient. But since you're dealing with the Explorer, things work differently. The Explorer modestly states that he has one of the highest I.Q's in the world (whichever expansion of the term I.Q you may consider). Indifference is what makes the Explorer unique.


• P.D - Pradyumna Pathrabe (and NOT Pen Drive)

This one is obtuse, I agree, but what with most people calling a Universal Serial Bus Flash Memory Portable Device a.k.a Pen Drive, a P.D, which I must say, irritates me beyond comprehension. When things have short names, they aren't supposed to be made any shorter. Apologies for the digression though, point being made is, the Explorer shall never refer to a Universal Serial Bus Flash Memory Portable Device as a P.D. Whenever he shall make use of those two alphabets together, it shall be in reference in particular to one of the many friends the Explorer has.

Any other jargon/mindfuck/mind-boggle/help-me-I-need-a-new-dictionary terms you might face, and when JFGI #FAIL, please feel free to have a chat with the Explorer.
Peace.