The not-so-Shawshank Redemption

Genesis 1:3 - God said let there be light, and there was light.

Pity you're not god. Hell, pity even I'm not god. Nevertheless, the light did arrive, albeit not unlike the one at the end of the proverbial tunnel and with a lot of fuss mind. Mindfuck, the word thrown about without a care by many a carefree homo sapien sapien, had never been better equipped to portray the chaotic situation I found myself in, on more than one occasion over the last (more than a )few days.

Now, know how you've used words that had an instant connect with you(because you understand what it's supposed to mean/you are lame enough to randomly pick up cool buzz words so that you sound awesome) but never have an idea about the proper definition of the word? I took the liberty to look up the word Mindfuck and found quite a few definitions. Ambiguities, as always, are unavoidable, but one definition I found was so perfect, precise and simply kosher.


Mindfuck - A process of raping your intelligence; never accompanied by a pre-lubricant; doesn't leave you with an endorphine high and craving a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich or a cigarette. Rarely are dinner and drinks bought for you before or after the act; most often tried on an unsuspecting victim,penetration has less friction; the perpetrator will rarely call you the next day; A passive-agressive way to get their money shot, no happy ending for you.


Digression apart, NOW that my mindfuck is a thing of the past, I shall diligently return to Mindfucking the legions of unsuspecting masses. Don't mind if I do. But I'd be doing your Mind, since it's a MIND-fuck.

The first post-luminiscence act that I shall perform is to devise THE Ultimate Spam-victim's Revenge.

Justice shall be served, mind's shall be fucked, and awesomeness shall persist.

The f9er side of language.

The explorer in passing cerebration often finds that people do things which in no way benefits them or anyone else. The explorer feels pity and on some rather rare occasions, intense vexation at such, who are unfortunately, people. Feeling a deep sense of social service, the explorer explains one of the few things you should never do.

Ultimate peeve here being use of SMS linguo and/or logically absurd statements to make a point or have conversations. For all the people who do that, people, there's a reason it's called SMS linguo. Text messages have limited characters and in such cases, economics call for improvisation and that is where the abbreviations come into the picture.
But I crap you not, it is with utter disbelief that I read sentences like "i m f9", "4m whr?" , "ausum", and the one that absolutely takes the cake, "cum on yahoo/skype/gtalk/whatever chat-application turns you on.".
I shall need complete explanations with practicals if possible as to how any human being can achieve this unique feat. If YOU can do this, be sure respected mister, that the explorer shall be your disciple for as long as it takes to learn to perform a virtual cumshot.

Desist from using "da" in place of the, "f9" in place of fine and the likes. F-9, dear Bozo, is an aircraft carrier and does not even SOUND like fine. It sounds like fanine which rhymes with famine and does not make sense. Also, as a warning or a polite message to all my friends on any social networking sites, if your name is something like "ABC d@ imp@ti3nt 0n3", understand dear ABC, that I shall unfriend you with as little hesitation as possible.(Even if you're a part of my mafia on facebook.)

And finally, dear above 18's who use such language, if you ever wish to be taken seriously in life, improve your language and your ability to spew out intelligible stuff. No one takes a guy who doesn't know how to spell "for, come or the" seriously.

For lessons in english, go back to high school, or learn to use ALL the alphabets of the keyboard. Typing tutor's a good bet. The explorer is so fucking sure that reactions to this post will include comments which will employ the very language he so passionately hates.

Blog Legend for the masses.

The Explorer in various passing conversations and posts makes use of certain terms that the lay populace have difficulty understanding. Today's post is a legend for all of you readers who've often found yourselves confused when encountered with such concocted terms.

• A.Q - Awesomeness Quotient

Read this up.


• H.Q - Heat Quotient

This, my friends refers to the very shallow (yet very important) physical aspect of the human form. More often than not, this shall be used in conjunction with the female of the species as the Explorer is not a poof.


• I.Q - Indifference Quotient (and NOT Intelligence Quotient)

Most of my readers must have grown up knowing that I.Q stands for an Intelligence Quotient. But since you're dealing with the Explorer, things work differently. The Explorer modestly states that he has one of the highest I.Q's in the world (whichever expansion of the term I.Q you may consider). Indifference is what makes the Explorer unique.


• P.D - Pradyumna Pathrabe (and NOT Pen Drive)

This one is obtuse, I agree, but what with most people calling a Universal Serial Bus Flash Memory Portable Device a.k.a Pen Drive, a P.D, which I must say, irritates me beyond comprehension. When things have short names, they aren't supposed to be made any shorter. Apologies for the digression though, point being made is, the Explorer shall never refer to a Universal Serial Bus Flash Memory Portable Device as a P.D. Whenever he shall make use of those two alphabets together, it shall be in reference in particular to one of the many friends the Explorer has.

Any other jargon/mindfuck/mind-boggle/help-me-I-need-a-new-dictionary terms you might face, and when JFGI #FAIL, please feel free to have a chat with the Explorer.
Peace.

Another day, another post.

I am rarely nostalgic or melancholy or in mourning over things which, though they affect me and/or other people, are in the past. All the same, that does not mean that I put things behind me with considerable ease. Forgetting things and getting over things are NOT the same, which many people fail to realise.

I am not picking bones, but a year ago, Mumbai was the focus of a concerted terrorist activity which left the citizens of the entire country thoroughly shaken and tragically affected the lives of many people in one way or the other. Commiserations to each and every person who has been affected in any single way are more than due. Today on the first anniversary (not sure why we say anniversary. But then, I have seen our country's leading daily use the word, which in fact is defined as a yearly observance/celebration.) I see all around me people saying they are yet to get over it, that they can't forget the terror, or the incidents and so on and so forth.

Humbly, I feel that we rush to voice our opinions on the day. First and foremost, this is not an anniversary. Such days rather than being remembered year after year and glamorized though in a manner that echoes the public mood (though I tend to think that the public mood is set by the newspapers and news channels rather than the other way around). Though we need to learn lessons from it and make improvements on a large scale, romanticising the entire fiasco and remembering it year after year hardly helps us achieve our ends. Apart from that, what hurts me most is when I see people (people who I'm sure have not been personally affected in any way by this apart from the horror of watching the city held to ransom by a group of Kalashnikov wielding bastards, in short, people like me) say that they're finding it hard to "get over" the incidents. This when we've all (in honesty) led our lives exactly as they were before, over the last year, when most of us haven't remembered any of this when we were too bored to vote, too cool to wear helmets, too well connected to abstain from drunk driving. You get what I mean.

What happened last year wasn't a blot on the administration in our country, it was a finger held in OUR face by the terrorists. All of us, who last year blamed everyone from the local corporator to the President for the attack, who lauded the National Security Guard for their work yet forgot the fact that they existed, 3 months down the line, who were "pained and scarred for life", yet a week later, a month later, partied at the same Cafe Leopold's without sparing a thought for any of the deceased or the injured.

We've always heard that India is the world's largest Democracy. Well, news people, it is also the world's largest Hypocrisy. And by that , I do not malign my country (which I love in all sincerity), but simply state the obvious about myself(honesty) and my fellow citizens. Let's be brutally honest, and have some conscience, and not say that we're hurt or pained or having difficulty getting over it, when you spent best part of a year not giving a fuck. Because if you do give a fuck, we wouldn't have to remember the day, or have a yearly observance(it isn't an anniversary).

I will not sermonize and ask you all to wake up. Though I really feel you shouldn't be so dramatic either. Trouble getting over it? Seriously? Let's be pragmatic and rational. Rather than crying from the rooftops once every year, make our opinions known day by day, little by little. And next time you're pulled over, think about how you felt when you watched it all on TV, before bribing that policeman. The police are only as corrupt as the people they police.

P.S: Don't fight with me over this. If you want to fight, alright, I agree with you, you're right, I'm wrong. Now fuck off.

Absorb this

You know how sometimes you think that you know a whole lot of stuff, have this feeling of ultimate, all-knowing omniscience? Well, that's exactly when something comes up and makes you realise actually how ignorant you are. The something maybe one among a variety of things. For eg. Complicated things like space-ships, aliens, computers, dinosaurs, The Mayan Calendar(2012 conspirators fuck off) or then even more amazing, logic-defying and absolutely dangerous things like freaking tampons.

Yes, my friend, I am aware you too (like me) have no idea what that word means and trust me looking it up on wiki does not help. But then, when I read it up and saw a few diagrams and recieved a detailed explanation from Edit a.k.a Mr. Aditya Namjoshi (who turns out to be surprisingly knowledgeable about these hellish devices), I couldn't help wonder what OTHER uses these amazing contraptions could be put to.

That is when the Explorer came up with a list of things tampons could be manipulated and used for:

1. As a birth control method. ( simple people, it acts like a freaking plug)

2. Could be cut short to be used as ear plugs. (They come with handy strings, and for people who don't know what they're actually used for, well, ignorance is bliss.)

3. As sponges for superior absorption and retention. (These babies are total suckers.)

4. As miniature death machines (TSS kills and also freaks me out.)

5. And for afters it can also be used to refer to a commune in France.

P.S:
Guys, thank our stars we don't have to shove and stuff things and later worry about dying of infection and more importantly, respect women for everything they go through.
Women, your courage, which is totally admirable, freaks me out.

Friday, the 13th

From time to time, the Explorer has routine conversations with normal yet supernormal human-beings. The conversations fluctuate from the credible to the incredible to the abso-fucking-lute insane. Please remember, this is the Explorer and such experiences are what make him awesome. Following is a conversation between the Explorer and an acquaintance who we shall call Chuck Norris. Don’t ask me why. Let’s just.

Chuck Norris: hi Explorer

The Explorer: hi Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris: What you doin’?

The Explorer: timepass

Chuck Norris: So what did you do all day?

The Explorer: nothing at all (Are you my friggin girlfriend? Why do you need to know what I did all day?)

Chuck Norris:I mean did you play mafia wars?

The Explorer: yeah man, I did (Makes mental note to declare war ASAP)

Chuck Norris: who is john sass?

The Explorer: (aloud) No idea bro (To himself) Why would he think I know some john sass?

Chuck Norris: kkk. How many slides does your presentation have?

The Explorer: 20 (how does it make any difference to you mate?)

Chuck Norris: Are you showing your ppt to your internal guide?

The Explorer: (By now starting to get fucking frustrated) Im showing my dick to my internal guide (yes, actually did say that!)

Chuck Norris: kkk

Chuck Norris: Since when have you been here?

The Explorer: Here? Since 19 fucking 89.

Chuck Norris: On face book.

The Explorer: Since 2200 hrs.

Chuck Norris: kkk. Did you study anything today? ( first you ask me stuff like you’re my girlfriend, now you try to be my mom?)

The Explorer: No mate. Not one bit. I told you right? I’m going to start December.

Chuck Norris: Arey, I’m just encouraging you to study.

The Explorer: How much did you score in the last semester?

Chuck Norris: 3% less than you.

The Explorer: In the one before that?

Chuck Norris: 5% less than you.

The Explorer: Do you still think I’m the one that needs encouragement?

Chuck Norris: kkk. I think you’ve got a keen grasping power.

The Explorer: (I think he’s a member of the Ku Klux Klan)
No mate, I have a brain the size of a Walnut ( This is MODESTY my friends)

Chuck Norris: kkk. What books do you refer?

The Explorer: Easy solutions. Board papers only.

Chuck Norris: Only easy solutions or board papers?
Since when?

The Explorer: Since forever.

Chuck Norris: I never knew.

The Explorer: Obviously. It wasn’t exactly breaking news buddy.

Chuck Norris: kkk. I refer only class notes.

The Explorer: *Worst fears confirmed* (Told you he’s a member of the Ku Klux Klan)
(Aloud) Nice work Champ.

Chuck Norris: I didn’t find the solutions anywhere. Do you know where I can get them?

The Explorer: Duuuuude, there’s some problem in Cuba, shipments getting delayed, I’ll see what I can do and tell you. ( No, the Explorer was well in his senses and chose to say that himself)

Chuck Norris: kkk. Please do that.

The Explorer: (WTF he bought that shit? I mean seriously, he bought that?) Yeah bro, sure thing.

Chuck Norris: Good night bro.

The Explorer: Good night mate. (See you never.)


The Explorer now knows why people dread Friday, the 13th.

God Bless, Amen.

Return to Hangar

Friends(are you one?), romans(no chance mate and if you are, you've got to leave a bleeding comment as proof), countrymen(if you still haven't been classified, fuck off, see you never), the explorer began the most awarding part of his year yesterday. A time which is intellectually rewarding yet amazingly filled with somnolence. This is the time of the year when the explorer doesn't need dope or external aids to be high. Traditionally, we'd like to call this time the preparatory leave, but then, the explorer was once a boy scout and in accordance with the boy scout motto(Be Prepared), he is always prepared.

This is that time, when he finds amazing company in the form of books, movies and indifference. This unholy union helps the explorer complete his transformation into the caveman. Now it is not an easy task to assemble this trinity. For not just any book or movie can help achieve this effect. The explorer has weird taste and insane needs. Safe to say, he has managed over the years(in the non-antisocial part of the years) to make acquaintance with sources for the aforementioned books and movies. The third part though is tricky.

It's something you're either equipped with or not. As simple as that. It isn't something you can develop. Even if you do develop it, won't be as rewarding. Safe to say, the explorer has the highest IQ(Indifference Quotient) in the world. This ensures that the explorer can consider himself set for another 2 months before he makes a re-appearance.

Caveman suit up folks, the stubble is unruly, eyes drowsy and mind acutely aware. Existence does prove to be fruitful sometimes.

PS: Say NO to drugs, indifference gives you a better high.
PPS: Don't be a poof, if God wanted it that way, you would've heard of Adam and Adam in the Garden of Sodom.
PPPS: I just received news which might help to improve my dismal termwork, if it does work out, needless to say, there shall be updates.

Anatomy of a bad day

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way.

Charles Dickens had no idea what he was talking about did he?

Honestly, it wasn't the best of times. Far from it. I do not consider having your most dreaded internal assessment at 9 in the morning when you're absolutely unprepared to be ideal.(That's just me).

About it being the age of wisdom, yeah sure, I exist in this age. Nuff said!

The epoch of belief. I'm not so sure my teacher believed all the stuff I told her those god damn microprocessors could do.

It was the season of light NOT. I haven't seen a day darker than yesterday for a long time.

It was the spring of hope. I was hoping my Dad would let me go to my friend's place where we'd planned the most legendary party for years. All the booze, all the guys and I wasn't allowed to go. So much for hope.

We were going directly to heaven. I'm sure everyone apart from me at the party WAS in heaven.

Yeah, that bad. We have bad days, and then we have worse days. But days like the one I just had don't come often. I started off on my best foot for my viva, gave the viva and came out of it unscathed. But wonder of wonders. It starts raining, in NOVEMBER.

Digression: When people harp on about the weather being awesome, about it being perfect and about enjoying a smoke, a cutting or some shit, spare a thought for us poor souls, who leave from home in the morning on 2 wheels with no idea that it's going to rain. And then when we're on our way back, it pours. It doesn't rain folks, it POURS. Having to negotiate traffic when you can barely keep your eyes open cause of the rain drops (try riding in the rain with contact lenses) and when your ass is frozen isn't what I'd call a perfect evening.

But I did that and when I was on my way home, the only thing that was a beacon of hope was all the booze waiting for me back at Paras'(god sent friend who saves ass during prelims, vivas, exams AND situation where no one's place is available for booze consumption) place.
When I reach home, I'm just waiting for dad to get back home, so I can borrow the car and head out for an awesome night. But then again, there's some fucking cyclone which has to hit Mumbai TODAY. And so, I end up spending another night in the company of my computer and Facebook and Goal.com and Cyanide and Happiness.
I continue in my quest for awesomeness and I'm sure I'll pick up modesty along the way. But until then, I pwn you guys.

PS: Pd was one of the select students who had to give the viva thrice. Yeah THRICE.
In his honour, I played CS yesterday with the nick "SHaHeeD PD". I had one of my best days at CS. Frags, Knifings and Pwnage aplenty. I think I wouldn't mind having bad days like these if it meant I'd be awesome at CS then.

PPS: I didn't mean it when I said that I loved my blog so much more.
But I do love my blog.

PPPS: LOL JK....I actually do love my blog WAY more.
xD

No sweat

Amongst all the temporary and ethereal things in this human plane, The Explorer stands out as a beacon of hope to the masses. His visionary acumen and his immense insight coupled with his omniscience only serve to make him a hero who's presence was long missed.

The fact that he now has now added a league hattrick to his astonishing list of achievements only adds to his modest image.
Thank you my humble disciples.
:-)
keep following me.

Shit Happens

This is a new feature of my blog.
I shamelessly admit that I have copied Mr.Hari Shenoy's concept lock,stock and barrel.
But what the heck.

Top searches that led people to my blog:
1. Jhatbuddhi (takes the cake. Someone from the California Government)
2. where does pedophobia come from (bethlehem, pennsylvania)
3. amusement aplenty
4. devrat kamath's blog (yes, bizarre. Someone actually looked THAT up on google.)
5. devarat kamat (some dickhead from Singapore)
6. meaning of ghaspus (chicago, illinois)
7. ab imo pectore ad infinitum (montreal, quebec)
8. metempsychosis at blogspot (I, apparently, am a rebirth expert.)

Carpe Diem

Finally, I return. Post one awesome day (in the course of which I managed a fairly decent and reasonably modest score in the GRE) and a few not so awesome ones, I come back to writing my blog. With the exception of the trip to BARC (which was more like a day's remand in Guantanamo Bay thanks to the intervention of Mr. Pradyumna Pathrabe) the days were ok.

Without much ado, I shall embark on what I was supposed to explain via this post.
The expedition to the Marwah House on the 5th of September, 2009. Like most legendary expeditions, this one was undertaken under severe stress and a fair(read enormous) amount of pressure. The conditions were far from perfect; severe under-preparedness (according to the standards of a few supposed experts), a total lack of concern and inability to concentrate on the task at hand to name a few. Another factor contributing to the legendary status of this expedition was the Explorer.

Born an astonishingly modest genius, prolific in his formative years and touted to be the next big thing. Sounds familiar doesn't it? Alas, the kid lost his way somewhere amidst all the claims of his being a prodigy and ended up being just average. Forever destined to be known for his obvious talent, but never quite living up to the expectations. He was reduced to being the perennial underachiever. And to see him falter short of the line every single time, was now a rule rather than an exception. Always pretty good, but never good enough.

But the kid didn't mind. He came up with theories and counter theories to explain his failures. He had reasons for every shortcoming and excuses for every success. He never realised the importance of being single-minded. Always unconcerned, deliberately unprepared, he would always laze through tasks.

When the time came, he saw many undertake the tough expedition. Highly prepared, having worked ridiculously hard, people went one after the other to a very demoralising downfall. A few people though, did manage to make it (but according to the aforementioned theories of the kid, these people were simply aliens) to the goal.

And in these highly unfavorable conditions, including a case of severe cold feet on the day before, the explorer embarked on the expedition. After the due formalities which made sure that the explorer(along with a host of other mere earthlings) was actually capable of going on the expedition without legal, psychological or physiological ramifications, the journey commenced.

As soon as he went to his cubicle (de ja vu arranged for cubicle number 11)and approached the Computer, the sight of orange, compact ear muffs greeted him. Things were already falling in place. A short tutorial, a trip to the loo and two and a half hours of examination later, the explorer emerged, beaming. He had reached the promised land. Years of under-achievement, all leading to this one single moment of Nirvana.

Some people's motto is "Never retreat, never surrender", some may say "Be prepared". The explorer has always believed that either you're capable or you're simply not, you can never work your way to capability. So he always believes in the principle "Just show up, don't bother with anything else."

Statutory warning: Though reading about the explorer and his amazing stories may give you a high and an immense boost in self-confidence, YOU are NOT the explorer. Things NEVER actually work that way for anyone else. The explorer and the circumstances he finds himself in, are all a work of his own superiorly deranged mind and any imitation in part or whole will be simply foolish not to mention absolutely impossible( and NOT possimpible).

Amusement aplenty

My last post, which was supposed to serve as a warm-up for my nth return to my blog, ended up with a lot of people giving me sympathy.
Shocked though I was, I was also amused at the instant conclusion that most people jumped to. That is exactly what I meant when I said, nobody knows me. Because if they did, they would've known that I write random shite in my blog, which actually, has no great bearing on my Life in general. So people, reserve thy sympathy for the needy.
I have my awesomeness and my randomness to keep me company.
To continued awesomeness and misunderstandings.

I'm the Man

Days, weeks, months have passed between my last post and today. I haven't been myself for a large part of the last 7 months of this year. I return, not only to blogging, but to myself and my inherent indifference.
I have always had a problem with people in general. I look at people and always have an impression about them. They appear as complex social beings who are really difficult to comprehend. But over time, I have seen that most people (and by most, I mean MOST) are as complex as, probably the decimal number system. You know a few, you know them all. It's like they have these complicated facades and once you've decoded them, it's all drama. I almost always think of people as complex and when I finally realise how inane they are, it's disappointing.
I wear a facade. Everyone does. What's important is to have substance behind it. Some people have these masks to hide their true selves, most people to hide their lack thereof.
I can safely say, that NO one, knows me entirely, except myself. ( NO, not even you).
And from all I know about me, I love my blog. So my blog shall be seeing a lot more of me.
I know posting smileys on my blog is passe, but whatever. :-)

The return of the Prodigal Blogger.

Days have flown since my last post. Things are the same, but my perspective has changed. I am more AWESOME than before(but that's just me).
Not writing on my blog has been difficult for some weeks, but you see, I simply have to share my amazing thoughts with my entire readership (sums up to 3).
This semester has been hectic for me. What with plenty of football(awesome), lots of shit and some more shit(not so awesome), I have been reduced to jotting my thoughts and observations down on random people and random incidents on pieces of journal paper(true story).
Now, in order to give my readership an idea of how I've spent my last 2 months, I'd have to put up all the SENSITIVE, PROFANE, and did I mention SCANDALOUS data on my blog.
I sincerely wish to avoid legal complications. So, general public, rest assured that your frivolous lives will not be G.K.
(psst. interested people can come to me for private screenings of my journal diaries)
On second thoughts, I'd rather pass.
But you get the point.
I will now dedicate much more time to my dear blog and my beloved readership.
To continued AWESOMENESS.

P.S: I agree with you completely and totally when you say that the title is lame.

Northern Sojourn: Day 1

It was early morning on the 12th of January. We were all set for a backpacking trip of the Northern side of our country. 8 of us, it was. The short train ride to Kurla was non-eventful.
We got ourselves a ride to Bandra Terminus. It was me, Niranjan and Kunal in the taxi. Our taxi driver was something else. This guy was right outta a video game.
He drifted along the long winds near BKC, merrily drove his old FIAT at 80 and was blissfully ignorant of all driving rules and lane-discipline known to mankind.
At one particular signal, the stud from the outer lane, barged to turn to the right and managed to bring the taxi right in front of a truck and another taxi. we had our balls in our mouth, but thankfully, the truck driver braked in time to save our lives. Our taxi stud meanwhile started swearing at the other taxi driver. We were too relieved to say anything.
Soon we reached Bandra and after finding our way through the many people, we got onto the train. The hours between morning and night were passed normally, without any drama. A few card games, a few phone-calls et al.
It was 3 in the night when terror struck. We realised that we were no longer in Maharashtra or Gujarat. The cold was unbearable. Several jackets, sweaters, gloves and skull caps later, we were at peace. This was our first encounter with "Thandi", which would go on to become our slogan throughout this trip.
As we went to sleep, the only thoughts in our mind were about the next 6 days.
Delhi, here we come.

Northern Sojourn: Day 2

Morning it was, as we reached New Delhi station. Excited at the prospects that lay ahead of us for the next 5 days. Arvind, Yash and Prateek left to find us a place to keep our bags for the time being so that we could freshen up and wait for our TATA winger, which was to take us sight-seeing in Delhi.
Turns out, the only Hotel they found was a run down cheapo place. I was afraid they might be hiding webcams in the rooms. Prateek was mighty pissed. Not exactly the best start to the trip. But we tided over it. A few fights and one broken sofa later, we moved out into the Winger.
The Lotus temple was first up. After an inspiring hour at the temple, we left for the Qutub Minar. It was in the minar complex that the guys found that Chinese Girls could be cute as well. A few clicks here and there and we were off to Ghaziabad for lunch.
It was lunch at a small Dhaba. After relishing our butter chicken and rotis, Nippa was in his element, arranging for 8 cans of draught beer. One for each of us. Arvind was the only sourpuss.
Brilliant. In the evening, the Winger dropped us at Old Delhi. After ensuring that our bags were safe in the cloak room, we were off for a tour of Chandni Chowk.
Dozens of jalebis and Parathas later, we were all on the train to Haridwar. Our first eventful day on the trip.

Northern Sojourn: Day 3

We got off the train at Haridwar, amidst dense fog and intense cold. We got out of the station, knowing only the address of our Hotel in Shivpuri and nothing else.
Little did we know that this was going to be the most eventful day of our journey.
On our way to the Guest house in Shivpuri, we stopped by at the local water sports co-ordinator and booked ourselves a raft ride down the Ganges.
Off to the hotel, a quick change later, our jeep picked us up and took us to the starting spot for our raft ride.
Several Patelshots later, me, Niranjan and Kunal who were lagging behind the gang geared up for the ride.
Nippa was the first one to get himself geared up. Being afraid of water, he was particularly pleased that we were wearing life-jackets. This was when inspiration struck Arvind. For the first tie in his life, he managed to pull off a "Chance pe Dance". On seeing Nippa's happy face, he said, "Karkare was also looking like this wearing a life-jacket, before he came back dead."
(R.I.P Officer Hemant Karkare, no offense meant)
We all were amazed and aghast at the sudeen brilliance of this quip. Soon after a quick brief, we were on the raft. Several rapids later, (rapids which were a better experience than any roller coaster you may find) we reached the cliff jumping spot.
Yash, Arvind, Niranjan and Prateek signed up for the jump and successfully jumped from a height of 25 ft into the Ganga. All Guts, all Glory.
Soon we reached the end of our raft ride at Ram Jhula. Prateek and me found a treasure trove of knowledge at Ram Jhula in the form of "The Divine Life Society's Publicatons", where we picked up a number of great books.
Back to the Guest House it was. After having our baths, we realised that it utrned dark pretty soon in this part of the country. At 7.15, we trudged along searching a restaurant/dhaba where we could get something to eat. We did manage to find one after several trips across the bridge.
Many of us had egg-plant for the first time in our lives. But it was worth it. Nippa showed his negotiation skills again when he managed to obtain a bottle of Contessa XXX rum. Back to the hotel, with 3 bottles of Thums Up.
Nippa fixed us all a small each. And after downing our pegs, we all went to sleep.
Aah. sleep. The guest house attendant had provided us each with a blanket.
The blanket. It was love at first sight for me. Me and my blanket. It was so warm and so cozy when I crept into bed with my blanket. It was the best night I had for ages. I wanted to take the blanket back with me. This blanket was my love. And in her arms, I fell asleep.

Northern Sojourn: Day 4

Early morning, rise and shine. I sincerely didn't want to get out of bed. After the Contessa the night before, I just had the best night for the last 4 months with my beloved, my blanket. But like all good things, this had to end. Sadly I had to bid goodbye, and this would remain, a one night stand.
The most entertaining part of the morning was this incident.
After having rum the previous day, we all were very happy and warm. Early morning, while we were brushing our teeth, Parag went to Nippa and asked him for the toothpaste. Nippa was sleepy and so was Parag. In this daze, Nippa extracted the tube of Odomos from my pouch and handed it to Parag. Parag blissfully unaware, used the Odomos, and after 5 mins he realised that his toothpaste had no froth. We were rofl so hard we had to hold our stomachs for an hour. Parag is know re-christened "GODOMOS".
Somehow, I picked myself up, and after an eventful bus ride from Shivpuri to Rishikesh and a connecting ride from Rishikesh to Haridwar, we reached Hotel Alaknanda. This was where we would stay for the next two days.
The ride was eventful. One idiotic and clumsy gentleman on the bus managed to bang his very heavy bag right on my head, and went off without batting an eyelid. This led to the invocation of the word "JhatBuddhi". Another one of my creations, added to our Group patent.
We entered the Hotel lobby not knowing what to expect. But once we crossed the lobby, we fell in love with the place. The rooms were just the right size, with all the amenities one could ask for. The hotel led to a ghat on the banks of the river Ganga on the far side. One could sit there all day watching the mighty river flow.
I admit I spent about 3 hrs in total at the ghat doing something all my friends despised and which I myself have laughed off several times in the past.
But all in all, the effect was brilliant.
We spent the afternoon watching a very old movie starring Sanjeev Kumar and Sharmila Tagore. We were all particularly impressed by the style of swearing used by Sanjeev Kumar. "Teri Maa ka".
All the others except me, Nippa and Prateek had gone to see the Evening Aarti of the Ganga. After that it was dinner at the "Asli Mashoor Chotiwala" consisting of Aloo Parathas. Back to the hotel and retired for the day. The bright spot of the day was when Nippa found a packet of Menthols for Prateek. Suddenly the two of them were the best of friends and all animosity was forgotten.

Northern Sojourn: Day 5

Cozy and warm in the family suite we had booked, the morning of the 5th day dawned on us, as we prepared to visit the temple of "Mansa Devi". Me, Nippa, Prateek and Yash camped in the suite on the first floor, while Niranjan, Arvind, Kunal and Parag camped in the suite below.
After a quick bath, we embarked on a tour of Haridwar. After the steep climb on the way to the temple, where we were witness to the wonderful civilisation of the monkeys, we reached the temple. In groups of 4 we visited the shrine. Me, Nippa and Niranjan devoured some delightful Samosa, Kachoris and Jalebis at the temple canteen. The descent was quick and enjoyable. Within no time we were at the "Asli Mashoor Chotiwala" and it was here that we enjoyed some heavenly "Chole Bhaturas". Prateek warned me of some impending disaster that was eating at his senses nad excused himself to go stand on the banks of the river Ganga.
After lunch, we were off to visit the gigantic and awesome statue of Mahadev, erected in the city. After an enjoyable hour there, in which we managed to obtain some brilliant Patelshots, we trudged back to the Hotel.
It was evening, when Nippa took me, Yash and Prateek for a puff and Tea to add flavor. Needless to say, the Tea was out of this world. I fell in love with the tea and soon gulped down no less than 3 cups.
Soon it was time to go and one dinner later, we were on the "Vikram", back to Haridwar station, to get on the train that was to take us to Delhi.
The train arrived on time and after an eventful and enlightening night during which me, Prateek and Yash made certain shocking revelations, it was time to sleep and look forward to day 6.

Northern Sojourn: Day 6

The train pulls into Old Delhi station. We all get off, heavily apprehensive. Old Delhi station is obscenely huge, with the platform system being a touch too confusing for a Mumbaikar. Somehow we get out, avoiding the rungs of Rickshaw wallas trying to woo us with supposedly alluring offers. We manage to get details of the nearest Metro station, which turned out to be Chandni Chowk.
We entered the Metro station, purchase smart cards, which allowed the holder to roam about all day on any line of the Metro, no questions asked. Which was good. We don't like questions.
Taking the metro, we got off at New Delhi station on the Metro, took an auto, and dumped our stuff at the place where we were putting up for the day. Despite all botherations, I have to admit, the Chicken Grilled Sandwich they had on their menu was brilliant. After 3 days of "ghaspus", we finally got to indulge our taste for meat.
After this short halt, we were off to Connaught Place, now known as Rajiv Chowk. Another short ride in the Metro and there we were. Most of my friends were awestruck at the sight of hundreds of cherubic, nubile nymphettes around. Size-Zero was running through each of their heads.
After agitated conversations on how each of their girlfriends matched up to these high standards, a disappointed bunch left for our hotel. I must admit, I picked up a Mumbai Indians cap from the Connaught Place outlet of Adidas, and buying that cap in Delhi adds to it's sentimental value.
Back to the hotel we trudged, another round of chicken grilled Sandwich and soon it was time to be off to the station for our last train journey. The journey back home.
As we reached the station, it was announced that our train would be 30 minutes late.
Angry, tired and frustrated, we were resigned to fact and rested our world-weary arses on the station benches.
The train did arrive, although 45 minutes late. We got on, aware of the facts that it was a minimum of 21 hrs before we would finally say that the trip was over. A good night's sleep and before we could realise it, 'twas day 7.

Northern Sojourn: Day 7

Everyone is wary of the fact that in spite of having travelled for about 12 hrs, we seem to have reached nowhere. The train is apparently running 4.5 hrs late, and that, approximately, puts our arrival time at somewhere aroundd midnight. We're all agitated and after 7 days away from home looking at the same 7 faces time and again, we don't blame each other.
Finally, we reach Ratlam. We jump off the train and buy some junk to chomp on the train. As soon as we'r back on, an old beggar comes up. In our agitated states, we simply told the beggar to move ahead. The beggar came up with an astonishing observation and here I quote "Aaj kal ke bacchon ko charbi chad gayi hai!"
(meaning today's generation is too irreverent)
Another short nap after that and by the time it was evening, everyone was prepared to go home. To pass the final few hours, Yash confronted Arvind about a certain "acquaintance" of his with whom he conversed for approximately an hour under roaming charges when at times, he wouldn't answer our calls citing the obscene roaming charges as an excuse. The rest of the time was spent in trying to weed a confession out of Arvind. Time fruitlessly wasted, if I may add. "Nippa" baba was at his adventurous best, trying out each bathroom turn after turn, filling each one with the heavenly aroma of Classic Milds. Finally at about 9.21, me, Kunal and Parag got off the train at Borivali and thanks to dad, got a ride back home which was much more comfortable than anything we'd had for the last 7 days.
Peace.

The "****" effect

My followers(who sum up to grand total of 3 including myself), have been seriously depraved of reading some really good stuff on my blog for the last month or two. This owing to my fantastically elongated examination period, which by the way stretches for 27 days to accommodate 5 papers.
As I unleash this here post, I still have two more papers to worry about, but my blog deserves some attention I guess. So here I am, at the very beginning of a new year, writing about certain arbit things, which I'm sure, no one is interested in knowing.
Most people plunge head first into the world of "New Year resolutions". That world I believe, runs on a parallel time dimension, where time destroys everything in a week or two. If you're exceptionally strong in the head, I'll give you a month. Not longer though.
I for one don't make any resolutions. Yet amazingly, this year, I find myself embarking on a self improvement spree. The reason for this spree, my dear readers, is a certain special, omnipotent, all knowing, ever-lasting effect.
The effect is patented and owned by a person, who unfortunately hasn't yet given me rights to use the name. So we shall have to suffice by saying that it is THE "****" EFFECT.
The special parts about this effect are, it does not work on anyone except me. Also, the rewards on offer for improving one self under the influence of this magical effect are truly "out-of-this-world". I simply write all this so that one day when I'm awesomely improved, I can look back and remind myself of how it all started.
Point noted. Effect sucked.